Where is "IT"?

Where is “IT”?

As you know I was home by myself while my family was in Coal Valley, Illinois after Christmas. As you don’t know, when I am home by myself I sometimes shave in bed while I watch the morning news...I know...too much information...but it's important to the story - stick with me. By the way, I use an electric shaver and so it's not like I have shaving cream all over my pillows when I'm done. Another thing you know is on New Year's Eve I was home alone. But what you didn’t know is the cleaning lady came over to clean my house on New Year’s Eve.

Another thing you know is I left the house on New Year’s Eve to buy a ping pong table (see previous post) but you didn’t know that while I was at The Sports Authority the cleaning lady cleaned the house.

You also didn’t know that when I woke up on Monday, January 4th to go to work I reached for my electric shaver – AND IT WAS GONE! I looked in the bathroom, I looked on my night stand, I looked on the floor next to and under my bed but it was nowhere to be found - MY ELECTRIC SHAVER WAS GONE! Although I was frustrated I couldn't find it - I wasn't too worried - I just grabbed one of the plastic Walgreen's razors under the sink and I shaved. After I ripped the outer layer of skin off my face I drove to work - with several bloody squares of toilet paper stuck all over my face.

Over the next couple of weeks the question of the whereabouts of my razor was constantly lingering in the back of my mind. You know what I mean. My mind was quietly asking, "Where is it? Where did I leave it? Did I drop it behind my bed? Did I bring it downstairs with me? Did I bring it to work with me? Did I leave it at my In-Laws?" As I listened to the little voice in my head ask me these questions my mind started answering with little pictures. I could see my shaver in the bathroom, I could see it on my night stand, I could see it next to my recliner, I could see it under the bathroom sink, I could see it under my bed, I could see it everywhere. The voices and visions in my head were always the strongest on my way home from work - and so when I got home I ignored everyone as I walked straight to the recliner, to the bed, to the sink, and to the millions of other places I could "see" my shaver. But no matter how many voices or how many visions I had - none of them helped me to find my shaver!

The little voice in my head never blamed anyone else for losing my shaver – it only asked what “I’ did with “it”. After all, I was the only one in my house when the shaver was lost – OR WAS I? No, I wasn’t! The cleaning lady - aka Jane “Sticky Fingers” Doe was also in my house! By the way, I’ve changed her name in case she reads my blog. The last time I shaved with my electric shaver was the morning of New Year’s Eve – the next time I looked for my shaver – it was gone! Sticky Fingers was in my house the same day I lost my shaver – a coincidence – I THINK NOT!!!

But far be it from me to blame someone else when something of mine is lost! At least not until I was sure it was no longer in my house. To be sure it wasn’t in my house I decided to tear my house apart searching for my shaver…AND I DO MEAN TEAR MY HOUSE APART!!

But before I go there - I need to backup a little. You need to know a few things I recently learned about having a cleaning lady. I've learned that the night before the cleaning lady comes...the house needs to be cleaned - yes, I know - it doesn't make sense to me either. But actually we don't really clean it - we 'straighten it up". We "straighten up" the kitchen, the living room, the bedrooms, etc. To "straighten up" - we "put things away". You know how everyone has one of those "Junk Drawers" in the kitchen. Well, when you "straighten up" and "put things away" for the cleaning lady - the "Junk Drawer" grows into a "Junk Closet" and before you know it the “Junk Drawer” grows into a “Junk Room" – and like a “Junk Drawer” - EVERYTHING GETS SHOVED INTO IT!

Another thing you need to know (and something I learned on New Year's Eve) is - if I don't "put things away" the cleaning lady will! Don't get me wrong – before the cleaning lady got to my house - I "straightened up" and I "put things away" but there were a few items "left out" when I left. However, when I got home, she had "straightened up" and everything was "put away"!!

But, again, before I blamed anyone else for losing my stuff – I needed to make sure it wasn’t in my house.

I was no longer going to casually check here or check there – I was going to tear the house apart! I took the same approach Bill Murrey took when he tried to find the gopher in Caddy Shack. I tore apart the kitchen, the living room, the family room, every room where the cleaning lady might have put it!!! I didn’t mean that – I meant, ‘I tore apart every room…where I might I left my shaver…”

I didn’t find my shaver in the kitchen, living room, or family room. It was 10:00pm by the time I moved onto my bathroom. Again, I TORE IT APART - I pulled everything out of the cabinets and the closet. No stone was going to be left unturned in my search for my shaver. I didn't mention this earlier but after I tore the rooms apart I re-organized them and put them back together in better shape then I found them (I threw that in there in case you think I left my house in a shambles). My plan was the same for my bathroom...but in the search for my shaver I came across some things I didn't expect - like my bathroom cabinets being used as one of the "Junk Rooms"…

This is a picture of my bathroom AFTER I started re-organizing…it looked A LOT WORSE a few minutes before I took this picture…

During my re-organizing I was surprised with what I found…I found that when you shove things in drawers, closets, and rooms before the cleaning lady comes over you sometimes forget where you put them.

I found that we sometimes purchase things we’re “out of” because we forgot where we put them in a rush to “straighten up” and “put things away” for the cleaning lady…

I found we have 6 blow dryers...yes 6!!! That's 1 blow dryer for every 10 strands of hair on my head!!!

I also found we have 26 tubes of toothpaste! Did I stutter???? I said 26!!!

I didn't take pictures of them (because this is a family blog) but I also found 447, yes 447, super-absorbent, scented, unscented, light days, heavy days, wings, no-wings, mini, maxi, gentle glide, fresh & dry, etc., etc., feminine hygiene products under my bathroom sink!!! Yes, we only have 2 woman in my house. I’m sure we have a supply of feminine hygiene products which will cover at least 85 menstrual cycles – but don’t quote me on that. All I know is I don’t have to worry anymore about making midnight runs to Walgreen’s for an ‘emergency’. There is so much absorbency in my bathroom – (you finish this joke…I can’t)

So yes, I found a life time supply of toothpaste and femanine hygeine products but I DIDN'T FIND MY SHAVER!!! But as you can see – I did re-organize my bathroom…

Since I couldn’t find my shaver I decided to go out to buy and new one. I priced a few good shavers, like the one I had, and they cost $89!

Since shavers are so expensive I decided to buy a good razor – I’ve seen the commercials for Mach I, Mach II, Mach III, and Mach IV razors and so instead of buying an expensive shaver I decided to buy a reasonably priced Mach I, II, III or IV razor - NOT!

I walked over to the razors and I noticed they are locked up - like diamonds!!! When I got in front of them I saw why they are locked up! Mach III DISPOSABLE razors cost $49 FOR A PACK OF 10!!!

There is no way I'm going to spend $49 for razors...so I decided to lean over to pickup a big plastic bag of cheap disposable razors. Since I am shaving with these cheap plastic razors I walked to the next isle to buy a 24 pack of toilet paper for my face.

So now I drive to work in the morning with little squares of bloody toilet paper stuck all over my face while on my drive home that little voice in my head (which is no longer quiet) screams in my head, "Where did the $%%^&&* cleaning lady put my @#$%^ shaver…where did the #$%^&** cleaning lady put my ##$%^^&& razor!!!!!”