Top Locker

As most of you know I'm home alone while my family is out of town visiting family in Coal Valley, Ill. So it was left up to me to go to Kelsie’s new school to pickup her schedule, her gym uniform, and most importantly I had to pickout and pay for her locker - the locker HAD to be a TOP LOCKER. To Kelsie the TOP LOCKER was the most important part of my job – because all the cool kids have a top locker!

So being the nice father that I am I talked to my boss and told him, “I’ll be in a little late on Friday. I have to take care of some things at my daughter’s school.” I knew the doors to the school opened at 8:00 a.m. and so I thought it would be a good idea to get there early; my plan was to get there around 7:45 a.m.; I’d cruise in, pickup the schedule, pay for the uniform, pick out the top locker and within minutes I’d be cruising out – on my way to work!

Well, today I left my house at 7:30 a.m. and drove the 4 miles to my daughter’s new school. As I approached the school I noticed the parking lot was packed with cars. As I got closer I noticed a long line of people outside the front door of the school. Some people were standing, some were in lounge chairs, and some were packing up their tents – they must have slept in line the night before. It reminded me of a time I went to Madison Square Garden to purchase tickets for "The Who" concert. The line was ridiculous – it started at the front door, it went past the Performing Arts Center, around the corner past the football field – the end of the line ended between the cafeteria entrance and the dumpster for the cafeteria! So there I stood next to the smelly dumpster - on a rotten banana peel – but I thought to myself, "Ths is worth it for my daughter to have a top locker."

Pretty soon I began feeling better mostly because of the people who came after me who had to get behind me in line. Then I heard someone in front of me say, “Did you feel that? It felt like a raindrop.” She was right – about 10 seconds later it began raining. It’s lucky I remembered to bring my umbrella to the school with me – unfortunately I left it in the car. So there I stood in the rain – with everyone else around me covered by nice big umbrellas. I thought to myself, “Surely someone will offer to cover me up – at least a little.” It didn't take long for me to figure out that was a silly thought. Luckily for me the downpour didn’t last for long – plus, I thought to myself, “Getting a little wet is worth it if my daughter gets a top locker.”

About 15 minutes later, after the rain had stopped, I heard a woman’s voice screaming something. I could see the woman; she appeared to be part of the school administration. I could hear something coming from her mouth but it wasn’t clear. It appeared to be something important. All the people around her were nodding their heads up and down as if to say, “Yes, we understand what we’re supposed to do.” I turned to the man behind me and asked, “Did you hear what she said?” He said, “No. but I’m sure she’ll walk back here and repeat it.” He said this about 5 seconds before she turned and walked back into the school.

A couple of minutes later the line started moving. It was about 8:00 a.m. and so they must have opened the doors. I shuffled my feet forward along with the rest of the herd - getting closer to the front door with each shuffle of my feet. By this time there were a lot of people behind me in line. I felt pretty good. My strategy of getting to the school early might not have been perfect but at least I was in better position to get a top locker then the losers behind me!

About 15 minutes later and after about a million shuffles of my feet - I reached the front door! Through the front doors I could see an area packed with people. There seemed to be a large desk past all the people – more like a reception desk then a school desk. Behind the desk it looked like there were 5 young people; probably high school seniors helping out. As I walked through the doors I looked for signs; I didn’t see any signs except for 'Exit' signs and 'Fall-Out Shelter' signs. All I could tell for sure is there were 5 lines and so I assumed I should get in line. I picked the short line and stood there. Again, I shuffled my feet, stood, shuffled my feet, stood, etc. About 15 minutes later I got to the front of the line. It wasn’t until the people in front of me finished that I finally saw the first sign. The sign, which was taped on the bottom of the desk, said, “Q – U”! Now, as you know, “I’m Not a Smart Man…” but at this point I had an idea what the sign “Q – U” was for - and unfortunately my name isn't Qhand. If the objective of the sign placement was for the signs NOT to be seen – the objective was accomplished! Nonetheless, I walked up to the desk and said, “I didn’t see the sign until just now. Can you find Kelsie Hand’s schedule for me?” She looked at me and said, “I’m sorry sir but I can’t. You’ll have to wait in that line.” Now keep in mind she said this to me in a very kind way and I’m sure she is a very sweet little girl but I was upset. However, when I turned around and saw the length of the “H – L” line – I was more than upset - I was ......!

I walked to the back of the “H – L” line – PAST ALL THE LOSERS I MENTIONED EARLIER. REMEMBER THE LOSERS - THE PEOPLE WHO WERE BEHIND ME IN LINE WHEN I WAS STANDING OUTSIDE IN THE RAIN!!! I looked at each of these losers as I walked past them to the back of the line - with every step I took I was hoping some compassionate person would step back to leave an opening and say, “Come in front of me. I was standing behind you outside in the rain and it’s not your fault you got in the wrong line – nobody can even see the signs.” But instead - when they saw me they all inched forward – closer together – there wasn't any doubt they all wanted me to walk to the back of the line! I just shook my head, walked to the back of the line and thought to myself, “Calm down. I’m doing this for Kelsie.”

About 15 minutes later I reached the front of my new line. I raised my right hand and pointed to it and said, “Kelsie Hand”. The young girl quickly pulled Kelsie’s schedule out – it was easier now because half of the schedules had been distributed to all the losers who were standing behind me in the line when I was outside in the rain!!!! I asked her, “Could you tell me where I go to get my daughters locker.” She said, “Follow the arrow around the corner to the cafeteria sir.” I thanked her and was on my way to the next step of my journey.

I walked around the corner to the cafeteria. In the cafeteria were rows of long lunch tables which formed 7 isles. The cafeteria doors brought you in at the back of the cafeteria where there was a sign positioned next to the middle isle (see the picture above). On the sign was written, “Locker Line” and it was pointed down the middle isle – did I mention that? At the end of the isle were five people with computers sitting behind a table. The way the school had it set-up was for the line to form down this middle isle and when one of the computer people were free they would call, “Next person in line” and the person next in the ONE, SINGLE LINE would walk over to that person and ask for a locker.

I walked over to the ONE, SINGLE LINE and was about the 20th person in line. I noticed about 5 people order lockers as I stood there and when they were done they moved on and the computer person called, “Next” and then the next person in line walked over to them. This worked like a charm, like I said for about 5 people, but then something happened. For some unknown reason some (I’m having to restrain myself from using some bad language here) some p…l….a…some people thought it would be easier if they didn’t stand in the ONE, SINGLE LINE!!!! They decided it would be easier if they walked down the other isles directly to the tables where the computer people were - THEY WERE CUTTING IN LINE!!!!!! My eyes popped out of my head, I looked to my left, I looked to my right – I thought to myself “THESE PEOPLE ARE CUTTING!!!!” I was about to say something like, “” I better not tell you what I was about to say but before I could say anything it was too late. Newer people were now entering the cafeteria and these new people didn't know about the ONE, SINGLE LINE!! They unknowingly lined up behind the people in the newly create lines - they were in line with THE CUTTERS!!!!! It was too late now - THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO TO STOP IT!!! I stood there thinking about my situation, "If it wasn't for the CUTTERS I would have gotten Kelsie a top locker in about 10 minutes but now my 10 minutes had turned into 45 minutes BECAUSE OF THE CUTTERS!!!!!" Now, everyone who knows me knows I liked George Bush (not loved - liked). I know he wasn’t the most articulate president we ever had and I thought his term for terrorists was kind of silly but I thought his term was appropriate in my situation – I was surrounded by EVIL DOERS!!!!!! Me and the two people standing in line behind me were the only NON-EVIL DOERS IN THE SCHOOL– everyone else in that cafeteria and in the school today were EVIL DOERS!!!!!

Now you might think I’m making this up – but I promise I’m not. After I calmed down from being overrun by CUTTERS and EVIL DOERS I went back to shuffle, shuffle, stand, shuffle, shuffle, stand, etc. In front of me there was a mother, a daughter, and a friend who were together. In front of them were 2 other parent/child groups. There I stood in the line, repeating to myself, “Serenity now, serenity now…” when all of a sudden I feel two 14 years old wenches, I mean girls, push past me so they could be next to the 2 girls and the mother in front of me. At first I gave them the benefit of the doubt and thought, “Certainly, they wouldn’t cut past me and all the other people in line - they're probably just visiting with their friends.” But I knew I was wrong when I heard one of the vixens, I mean girls, say, “I hate waiting in line – even though I didn’t have to wait.” Then all the girls laughed together – one of them glancing back at me!

I won’t tell you what happened next - but - I will tell you that Kelsie will forever be known as the daughter of the CRAZY MAN WHO WAS PLACED IN HANDCUFFS, DRAGGED OUT OF SCHOOL, WHILE HE WAS SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS – YOU ARE ALL CUTTERS, CUTTERS I SAY...CUTTERS and EVIL DOERS...YOU ARE ALL CUTTERS AND EVIL DOERS!!!!!!

BTW, I was able to get a top locker for Kelsie... :)