WE HAVE LOST OUR #$%^ MINDS!!!

Our country is out of control! From the highest to the lowest levels of government - WE HAVE LOST OUR MINDS!!!

At airports, we spend the same amount of time screening 85 year old grandmothers and 11 year old little girls as we do screening 25 year old men named Mohammed from the middle east. We have lost our $%$%^^ minds?!!!

In congress, politicians pass an 1,100 page "healthcare reform" bill without reading it!!! We have lost our #$%^& minds?!!!

In congress politicians are allowed to bribe and be bribed - without being thrown in jail!!! We have lost our #$%^ minds?!!!

Our president flew to Copenhagen, along with thousands of other governmental bureaucrats from every country in the world, to solve Global Warming. They filled the air with millions of tons of carbon flying to a meeting to discuss how to limit carbon. It's like having a keg party to figure out how to solve alcoholism!!! We have lost our ##^^&&& minds?!!!

One of the "solutions" to global warming is for the "rich countries" to give the "poor countries" BILLIONS of dollars!!! I have a better idea. How about everyone gives me a billion dollars and I'll solve world hunger - I'll even solve world ignorance at no additional charge. We have lost our %^&*( minds?!!!

AS I TYPE THESE SENTENCES ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING IT IS 11 DEGREES OUTSIDE - YES I SAID ELEVEN DEGREES - IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING - I LIVE IN GEORGIA!!!! We have lost our $%^&* minds?!!!

Our Attorney General, Eric Holder, will try a war criminal, Khalid Sheikh Mohhammed, in a US court. This 911 mastermind will get the same justice we reserved for OJ Simpson!! We have lost our $%$%^^& minds?!!!

Our government prosecuted two border patrol agents for shooting a drug smuggler who was trying to cross over our border ILLEGALLY! We have lost our $$%%^& minds?!!! Thankfully, George Bush commuted their sentences in January.

Our government is prosecuting three Navy Seals for "mishandling" Ahmed Hashim Abed when he was captured. Ahmed was the mastermind behind the ambush of four American workers in Iraq in 2004. This ambush resulted in these four Americans being KILLED, MUTILATED, and being HUNG on a bridge. In other words, our government is prosecuting Navy Seals for not being nice enough to these murdering animals! We have lost our #$%%^& minds!!

Our US Senators and Representatives can vote themselves raises while our unemployment rate is 10% - 17%. Our US Senators and Representatives can vote themselves healthcare insurance and pensions while our unemployment rate is 10%-17%. We have lost our #$%^& minds?!!!

All this insanity and more can be seen if you watch the news on a daily basis but today I experienced my own INSANITY!!

Sheri and Kelsie are in South Carolina this weekend for one of Kelsie's horse shows and Cameron slept over his friend's house. So I was home by myself last night and this morning.

On Saturday Kelsie, Cameron, and I normally go to McDonalds. Even though they weren't here I decided to go. As I mention above it was 11 degrees this morning and so I put on my heavy coat and I drove to McDonalds.

I drive the back roads to McDonalds to avoid the traffic on Route 20. I drove down Haw Creek Road and I crossed over 400 by driving down Old Atlanta Road. The picture below is Old Atlanta Road - there is rarely a car on this road - a perfect place for a cop to park and look for criminals IF YOU'RE LOOKING TO WASTE TAX PAYER'S MONEY!!!

After I crossed over 400 there is a "Park and Ride" parking lot. Parked right there was a police car.

After I passed him by he pulled out of the parking lot. Of course I wondered to myself if he was coming after me. I looked down at my speedometer and I was going about 37 mph and the speed limit was either 35 mph or 40 so I was sure he wasn't coming after me.

The patrol car kept following me even though I was sure he wasn't 'following' me - you know what I mean. He followed me as I past by THE DOZENS OF ILLEGAL ALIENS THAT LINE ATLANTA HIGHWAY. THESE ILLEGAL ALIENS STAND IN PARKING LOTS WAITING TO BE HIRED BY PEOPLE TO DO MANUAL LABOR - LIKE RAKING LEAVES, MOWING LAWNS, ETC. He then moved over to the other lane as we passed by the dozens of ILLEGAL ALIENS THAT LINE ATLANTA HIGHWAY WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO STOP BY AND OFFER THEM SOME WORK. I thought for sure he was going to pull in the parking lot WHERE THESE DOZENS OF ILLEGAL ALIENS WERE STANDING SO HE COULD ARREST THEM OR AT LEAST DISPERSE THEM.

Instead of arresting the ILLEGAL ALIENS he moved back into my lane and put his lights on and motioned for me to pull over.

I thought to myself 'I must have a brake light out or maybe he was going to give me a ticket for going 37 mph in a 35 mph zone.

But NO! He was giving me a TICKET FOR NOT HAVING A SEAT BELT ON!!

HAVE WE LOST OUR #$%^& MINDS?!!!! We have ILLEGAL ALIENS STANDING ON THE ROAD - DOZENS OF THEM. EVERYONE KNOWS THEY ARE ILLEGAL - EVERYONE KNOWS THEY WORK FOR CASH - EVERYONE KNOWS THEY DON'T PAY FEDERAL TAXES - EVERYONE KNOWS THEY DON'T PAY STATE TAXES - EVERYONE KNOWS THEY TAKE WORK AWAY FROM UNEMPLOYED LEGAL CITIZENS - EVERYONE KNOWS THIS - EVERYONE!!!

I WAS MAD!! VERY MAD!! I AM STILL VERY MAD!!! THE #$%^& NUTS ARE RUNNING THE NUT HOUSE!!!!

THE GOVERNMENT I PAY A LOT OF TAXES TO AND I DO MEAN A LOT - GAVE ME A TICKET FOR NOT HAVING A SEAT BELT ON - WHILE PASSING BY DOZENS OF PEOPLE WHO BREAK THE LAW EVERYDAY - AND, AND, AND DON'T PAY TAXES!!!!

I AM NORMALLY VERY RESPECTFUL TO POLICE OFFICERS BUT I COULDN'T BE RESPECTFUL TO OFFICER DSJ HIATT. YES, DSJ HIATT! At first I asked, 'Yes Officer did I do something wrong?' One thing led to another and I said, "DO YOU SEE THOSE PEOPLE OVER THERE? THEY ARE ALL ILLEGAL AND YOU'RE STOPPING ME FOR NOT HAVING A SEAT BELT ON!! He was a young man and not prepared for this. He said, "Yes, I know they are illegal but when we arrest them they are on the street the next day." We had some other words and I did go further than I normally would with a police officer but, honestly, I didn't care if I was arrested - this was insane!!!!

Our government, at all levels, is OUT OF #$%^& CONTROL!!! HAS COMMON SENSE BECOME ILLEGAL????

Instead of the police parking on an empty street to find someone allegedly not wearing a seat belt - wouldn't it make more sense to park next to the ILLEGAL ALIENS so that people won't hire them and they will be forced to go back to Mexico? Wouldn't that make sense? Wouldn't it?

I will be writing a scathing letter to everyone I can think of.

THE PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN THIS COUNTRY LEGALLY, THE PEOPLE WHO PAY TAXES, THE PEOPLE WHO SPEND THEIR TIME LIVING THEIR LIVES AND DON'T HAVE TIME TO GO TO WASHINGTON DC, THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T HAVE TIME TO GO TO CITY HALL, THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T HAVE TIME TO GO TO THE STATE CAPITAL, THE PEOPLE WHO PAY FOR THE NUTS TO RUN THE NUT HOUSE NEED TO STOP TAKING THIS CRAP!!!

THE SENSIBLE PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY NEED TO TAKE THIS COUNTRY BACK. WE NEED TO STOP ACCEPTING THESE ASININE LAWS, RULES, AND DECISIONS THESE #$%^& MORONS INFLICT ON US. WE NEED TO STOP LIVING LIKE WE'VE ALL HAD A LOBOTOMY AND WE NEED TO LET COMMON SENSE TAKE OVER THIS COUNTRY AGAIN. IF I HAD NEIGHBORS LIKE NANCY PELOZI, HARRY REID, JOHN CONYERS, HENRY WAXMAN, CHRISTOPHER TODD, MAXINE WATERS, ROB EMANUEL, AND DAVID AXELROD - I WOULD MOVE OUT OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD! BUT THESE #$%^& MORONS RUN OUR COUNTRY, THEY TELL US WHAT TO DO, AND THEY ROB US BLIND!!! WE HAVE LOST OUR #$%^& MINDS!!!!

We need to tell our government - STOP CHECKING GRANDMA AT THE AIRPORT - CHECK MOHAMMED AND THEN CHECK HIM AGAIN - I'M SORRY MOHAMMED - GRANDMA DIDN'T BLOW UP THE TWIN TOWERS - YOU DID!! NOT EVERY MUSLIM IS A TERRORIST BUT TERRORISTS ARE ALL MUSLIM!!!! Alright ONLY 99.9% OF THEM ARE - THIS IS FOR YOU MORONS WHO THINK I'M WRONG - THE .1% TAKES INTO ACCOUNT TIMOTHY McVEIGH!!!

We need to tell our government - IF YOU DON'T READ THE BILL - YOU CAN'T VOTE ON THE BILL!!! IN FACT THEY NEED TO PASS A TEST TO PROVE THEY KNOW WHAT'S IN THE BILL BEFORE THEY VOTE ON IT - I'LL EVEN ALLOW IT TO BE AN OPEN BOOK TEST!!!!

We need to tell our government - IF BRIBERY IS ILLEGAL FOR ME - IT'S ILLEGAL FOR YOU!! GIVING NEBRASKA A PASS ON MEDICARE OR IS IT MEDICAID PAYMENTS IN ORDER TO BRIBE BEN NELSON TO VOTE YES ON THE HEALTHCARE BILL IS OUTRAGEOUS AND NOT ONLY SHOULD THAT BE ILLEGAL - HE SHOULD BE PUT IN PRISON!!

We need to tell our government - LET'S TALK ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING WHEN I STOP FREEZING MY #$%^& OFF!!!! THESE MORONS TAKE US FOR MORONS - GLOBAL WARMING IS NOTHING MORE THAN AN EXCUSE TO TAKE MORE OF OUR MONEY - THE THOUGHT THAT WE CAN ALTER THE EARTH'S TEMPERATURE IS AS STUPID AS THINKING WE CAN EMPTY THE PACIFIC OCEAN WITH A SPOON!!!!

We need to tell our government - DON'T YOU DARE TAKE MY TAX MONEY AND GIVE IT TO THE UN TO SOLVE GLOBAL WARMING!!

We need to tell Eric Holder - Khalid Sheik Mohammed DOESN'T DESERVE THE SAME CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS AS AN AMERICAN - HE IS A #$%^& WAR CRIMINAL!!!!

We need to tell our government - IT'S OK TO SHOOT ILLEGAL ALIENS INVADING OUR COUNTRY WITH DRUGS. IF THEY ARE SHOT CROSSING THE BORDER - GUESS WHAT - THEY'LL STOP CROSSING!!!!!

We need to tell our government - IF A NAVY SEAL FINDS TERRORISTS WHO HAVE KILLED AMERICANS - THEY ARE NOT ONLY ALLOWED TO BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF THEM - THEY SHOULD RECEIVE A METAL FOR DOING IT!!!

We need to tell our government - YOU WORK FOR US - WE'LL DECIDE WHEN AND IF YOU GET A RAISE!!! BY THE WAY, NO HEALTHCARE OR PENSION FOR YOU - IF YOU WANT IT - YOU NEED TO PAY FOR IT!!!

FINALLY, WE NEED TO TELL OUR GOVERNMENT - GET YOUR @@##%^ PRIORITIES IN ORDER - GET RID OF ILLEGAL ALIENS BEFORE YOU TELL THE POLICE TO CHECK FOR SEAT BELTS!!!

THIS COUNTRY IS BEING RUN BY MORONS AT EVERY LEVEL AND I'M SICK OF IT. I'M SICK OF PRETENDING WE'RE A GREAT COUNTRY. WE'RE NOT A GREAT COUNTRY ANYMORE!! GREAT COUNTRIES DON'T DO THE THINGS WE DO. COUNTRIES IN DECLINE DO THE THINGS OUR COUNTRY IS DOING!! WE ARE FOLLOWING IN THE FOOTSTEPS OF EGYPT, GREECE, ROME, CHINA, FRANCE, GERMANY, ETC...

WE CAN BE GREAT AGAIN BUT ONLY WHEN WE PURGE OUR COUNTRY OF POLITICAL CORRECTNESS AND LIBERALISM!!! WE NEED TO REINSTILL INDIVIDUAL RESPONSIBILITY AND SELF RELIANCE!! WE NEED TO STOP RELYING ON GOVERNMENT FOR OUR BASIC NEEDS - WE NEED TO TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES. BUT MOSTLY WE HAVE TO GET RID OF THE PEOPLE WHO CLAIM TO BE TAKING CARE OF US - THEY HAVE ALREADY SUCKED THE GREATNESS OUT OF US - THESE LEECHES WON'T STOP UNTIL THEY SUCKED THE LIFE OUT OF US!! OUR COUNTRY HAS REACHED THE POINT WERE (LIKE THE OLD SAYING GOES) - WE HAVE BECOME SO OPEN MINDED - OUR BRAINS HAVE FALLEN OUT.

BUT IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT - IT'S NOT THE LIBERALS FAULT - IT'S YOUR FAULT - IT'S MY FAULT -WE ALLOWED THESE MORONS TO TAKE OVER WHILE WE'VE BEEN BUSY WORKING, LIVING, AND BUSY PAYING OUR TAXES!!

ON A LIGHTER NOTE:

YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY, REALLY TICKS ME OFF!!!! BY THE TIME I WAS ABLE TO GO TO MCDONALDS - BREAKFAST WAS OVER!!!!

Happy New Year!!

As you know I've been home by myself since Monday. We had a very nice Christmas at my In-Laws in the Quad Cities (I'm sure you've heard of the Quad Cities). The food was great and so was the company.

One of the things I look forward to every year is giving and receiving gifts. Of course I usually have an idea of some of the presents I'll receive but there is always that one unexpected gift that makes Christmas just a little bit more special. That's always my favorite gift - the one I didn't expect! This year I received some beautiful gifts and yes I also received the surprise, unexpected gift! It was one of those 'Secret Santa' gifts - you know, one of those gifts where you don't know who gave it to you! But unlike the typical Secret Santa gift, it's funny, nobody admitted that they gave me the gift (now I know how Anthony Mastacholli felt when I gave him the Fingerling Action Figure - but that's a whole other story).

I wondered why nobody owned up to giving me this gift but that's okay - I'm sure I figured it out!

The first clue that helped me to figure out who gave this present to me was when XXXXX came downstairs and said, "I don't feel good..." My next clue was when XXXXX's youngest daughter squirted a gieser of yellow diara up her back, right through her onesie! This yellow diarea was very similar to the yellow diarea I enjoyed the following day! My final clue was when XXXXX's sister said, "Oh XXX (XXXXX's wife) was puking her brains out last week - again puking my brains out was also a part of the gift I received!"

So, yes, I figured it out - I know XXXXX gave me this present - although I think it was actually from his whole family!! XXXXX was so generous this year! In fact, he was so generous he not only gave the gift to me, no, HE GAVE IT TO EVERYONE IN THE FAMILY!!!! :)

I have to admit I feel bad that I didn't give him a similar gift but I can guarantee you I really, really want to!! :)

Because of our experience this past week in Coal Valley, Ill Kelsie and I came up with some ideas for an unofficial nickname for Illinois. Here is a sample of some of our ideas:

1. Illinois - The Show Me - How to Toss Your Cookies State
2. Illinois - The What Happens in Illinois Doesn't Stay Down in Illinois State
3. Illinois - A Beautiful Place to Live, Squirt, and Barf!
4. Illinois - The Sooner or Later You're Going to Puke State
5. Illinois - The Incontinence State
6. Illinois - The Live Free or Die Puking State
7. Illinois - The There's Not a Better Place To Be On Your Knees, Hugging Your Toilet State
8. Illinois - The Life is Good - Then You Puke State
9. Illinois - The Vomiting - It's Why You're Here State
10. Illinois - It's not for Just Hurling Anymore
11. Illinois - The Guess Which End It's Coming Out State
12. Illinois - The Chunk Blowing State
13. Illinois - The Irritable Bowel Syndrome State

Alright, onto another subject...my In-Laws have a ping-pong table at their house and my kids love playing (they always lose to me but that's another story) so I decided to purchase one more gift...a Ping Pong Table.

It started out so simple...one big, heavy box...how hard can it be to put together a Ping Pong Table...I mean really...how many parts can it have...it's a stinking table!

It started out easy enough. I borrowed my neighbors pickup truck and bought the table from the Sports Authority. When I got it home I pushed the 150 pound box from the back of the truck bed onto my garage floor...

When I opened the box I realized my job was going to be more involved than just unfolding the table. I guess I'm silly but I assumed I would be able to unfold the ping pong TABLE like one of those little card tables we all have...

Once I realized it would be more involved I organized all the big parts...

And then I organized all the little parts...

Oh, by the way, I started this project at 5:45 pm...

Of course I had to break out all the man tools to make the job easy...I got my friendly hammer, screw driver, knife, duct tape, spatula, mixer, and chain saw - Semper Paratus - "Always Prepared"

See...that didn't take long...

I'm getting close...

See...that didn't take long...

I'm done! After putting this together I'm looking forward to doing something a lot simpler...like performing brain surgery...splitting an atom...or figuring out how Obama healthcare reform is a good idea...

The only problem I couldn't overcome was HOW TO TURN THE STINKING TABLE OVER ONCE I PUT IT TOGETHER!!!! And so I decided to call my neighbor to ask for help...I'm sure this is exactly what he wanted to do at 10:30pm on New Years Eve...

But it worked out...after he came over I crashed his party (actually I was invited believe it or not). I welcomed in the new year with several of my neighbor friends! They really are very nice and I had a great time...we scheduled our next man day (stage 5 rapids this time)...

The next morning I cleaned the garage and put the finishing touches on the Ping Pong table...looks pretty good if I do say so myself... :)

This is a surprise for Kelsie and Cameron...I'm looking forward to seeing their faces when we open the garage...I'm also looking forward to seeing their faces when I whoop them at ping pong...again...and again...and again...

Happy New Year!!!

The SPC...

From left to right: Keren, me, Brandon, Anthony, David, and Aristotle...

First Day of School - By Cameron James Richard Philip Hand

First Day of School

By Cameron James Richard Philip Hand

I was in sixth grade when my dad told me the story about his school years; it was October or November, I’m not exactly sure, but I do know it was early in the school year. I had gotten a few low test scores and then a couple of my teachers claimed I was “acting up” in class. Oh yea, one more thing, my school bus driver called my mother and without any proof he told my mother I yelled, “Who farted?” on the way home from school. Based on the way my mother reacted to the news of my minor, youthful indiscretions you would have thought I had been arrested for armed robbery. I tried to explain to her it was “no big deal”; but did she agree, did she understand? NO, she blew the whole thing out of proportion! When my dad got home from work that night she told him EVERYTHING!

When he pulled into the driveway my mother sent me to my room. She said, “Cameron go to your room, I need to talk to your father.” From my room I tried to listen but they talked quietly and the TV was on; all I think I heard was an occasional, “Ken, you need to do something!” A short while later my dad called me and asked me to come downstairs; I took a deep breath, opened my door, and walked down the steps to the family room where my parents were still sitting on the couch. My mom got up and left the room; my dad looked at me and said in a calm, clear voice, “Cam, come here and sit down”. At first I didn’t sit down, I just moved closer to my dad and leaned against the arm of the couch. He looked at me, raised his left eyebrow and sternly said, “Cam, sit down on this couch - NOW.” I quickly sat down next to him. We didn’t talk for long - actually we didn’t talk at all – he did all the talking. My dad said he expects me to “behave” on the bus and especially in school; he went on to tell me how proud he is of me and how he knows if I focus on school I could be a straight-A student. He also promised to help me with Math and Social Studies to get me there. Although I wasn’t sure I could be a straight-A student I decided my best course of action was to nod my head in agreement and say, “Yes sir” often.

Surprisingly, for the next several weeks life was good; my dad helped me study, I got several good grades, I even got a few 100’s - I was a model student! Since I was consistently getting good grades I told my dad, “Thanks, but I don’t need anymore help – I can do it on my own.” My dad told me he was proud of the way I’d turned around my grades and that if I wanted to do it on my own - that was fine with him. He added, “If you need any help Cam - just let me know.”

For the next several weeks I continued to study hard on my own and the grades I received were still high B’s and A’s. Unfortunately, as the school year dragged on I began to spend less and less time and effort studying and I began to spend more and more time having fun with my friends both on the bus and in school. It wasn’t long before my grades started reflecting my efforts. One day I received two tests back; I got a 54% on a Math test and a 72% on a Social Studies test. To make matters worse that day, I had a run-in with the substitute bus driver on the way home. I think the regular driver must have “warned” her about me because she had it out for me from the time I stepped on the bus. All I did was turn around in my seat and talk to some of my friends. She yelled at me to turn around and sit down – I did what she told me to do but that wasn’t enough for her. She yelled at me, “Don’t roll your eyes at me!” I didn’t roll my eyes at her – I told her, “I don’t even know how to roll my eyes.” She then said, “Don’t talk back to me!” Our conversation went downhill from there – I won’t bore you with the details.

These little indiscretions might have gone unnoticed except for some ill-timed bad luck: (1) I left my book bag open on the kitchen counter, (2) My math test (with the 54% on the top right corner) was sticking out of my book bag, (3) My dad took the day off, (4) and the substitute bus driver called my house to complain about me “acting up on the bus”.

When I got home from school I saw my dad sitting in his chair watching the News on television and I asked him what he was doing home so early. He said he decided to take the day off to take care of a few errands. I put my book bag down, sat down on the couch, and asked my dad if I could put on UFC to watch “Liddell vs. Silva”. He said sure and he got up to get something from the kitchen.

It’s was at this point it all fell apart for me. As my dad was making a sandwich on the counter he noticed my math test, then he opened my book bag and found my social studies test. Before he had a chance to say anything to me the phone rang and I heard him say, “Yes, I am Cameron’s father…substitute bus driver…he did what…I apologize…I will take care of it.” When I looked at him I could see he was upset. I won’t go into the details of what happened next but let me say my calm, cool father, who rarely loses his temper with me – lost his temper with me! He sat down next to me on the couch, he was breathing heavy, his forehead was all wrinkled, and his eyebrows were scrunched together. He started talking; he said a lot to me, something about “knowing I can get good grades”, something about “helping me again”, something about “being proud of me”, but the words I remember most were, “no more cell phone”, “no more Face Book”, “no more TV until homework is done”, he might as well have said, “NO MORE FUN!”

At the time I couldn’t believe he was doing this to me because of a couple of low grades and a complaint from a substitute bus driver. I was upset and without thinking I blurted out, “I tried, I really tried, but I’m not perfect! I’m sorry I’m not as good at school as you were. I bet you were a straight-A student and you think it’s easy!”

After I said this my dad had a baffled look on his face. He said, “You think I was a straight-A student when I went to school?” I told him, “Of course, you’re really smart - you know everything. You get all the questions right on Jeopardy and you always know how to do my homework.”

My dad said, “I’m glad you think I’m smart, and you're right I do get most of the answers right on Jeopardy, but it’s not because school was easy for me. Whatever I know didn’t come easy for me – I had to work very hard to learn the things I know. When I was your age, and when I was Kelsie’s age I made a lot of mistakes which made my life a lot harder than it needed to be. You don't know this but I actually dropped out of high school when I was very young. I don’t want to put too much pressure on you and I certainly don’t want to live my life through you but I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I made when I was your age. You are much smarter than I was at your age; you’ve proven that if you put in some reasonable effort into your studies you can be a straight-A student. But just to let you know, I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned this to you, if you put in the study time and the effort and you don’t get all A’s I’m okay with that. As long as you try your best, as long as you put in a reasonable amount of study time, as long as you behave yourself in school you won’t hear me complain and you certainly won’t be punished.”

I asked him if I do that can I have my phone back and can I use Face Book. He told me, “Yes, but you’ll have to prove to me you are serious about it.” He wouldn’t tell me how long I had to show him I was serious; he just said, “Cam, just focus on school and your behavior. Don’t worry about the phone or Face Book and I’m sure you’ll get them back before you know it.”

Even though I wasn’t happy with my punishment I felt a little better after he said I’ll get my stuff back before I know it. I felt better but I was also curious – curious about my dad and school. I never knew my dad was a high school drop out and I couldn’t believe he wasn’t a straight-A student. I asked him if he could tell me what kind of student he was when he was my age. This seemed to lighten the mood in the living room a bit, he smiled at me and said, “Are you sure you want to know the whole sordid details of my school years?” I wasn’t sure what sordid meant but I did want to hear about his school years and so I said, “Yea.”

It was at this time Kelsie came home. I told Kelsie, “Dad is about to tell me a story about him and school.” Kelsie didn’t act too interested – she sat down on the recliner and said, “Oh, okay”, and then changed the channel on the television to Hannah Montana.

My dad started out, he said in a loud voice, “Alright, I guess Kelsie doesn’t want to hear about the deepest, darkest secrets of my life. The stories I’ve always planned on keeping hidden from you kids! That’s okay, it’s probably better that she doesn’t know about my SORDID past – are you ready to hear about my SORDID past Cam?”

Kelsie pretended to yawn as if she wasn’t really paying attention and I said, ‘Yea dad. I want to hear about it!’ My dad said, “Alright you’ve asked for it CAM – YOU, NOT KELSIE are about to hear the DEEPEST, DARKEST SECRETS OF MY LIFE! You’re about to hear about the time when I turned from a nice, innocent, wholesome boy - to a wild, untamed, rebel without a cause!!”

Kelsie chimed in, “Dad, YOU, a rebel without a cause? I don’t exactly know what that is but I’m sure you weren’t one!”

My dad looked at Kelsie through the corner of his eye and he began, “It happened on the first day of kindergarten…”

Kelsie sat up in her chair and laughed, “Kindergarten dad! Kindergarten! You became a rebel without a cause while you were in kindergarten! That’s hilarious. How can a person become wild and untamed in kindergarten? I guess I should listen to this story because I’m interested to find out how a five year old becomes a ‘rebel without a cause’.”

My dad smiled and said, “Well missy, if you turn off Hannah Montana and pay attention you’ll find out. After my story is over you tell me if I became untamed in kindergarten. Now, will you let me finish the story?

Alright, where was I. Oh yea. Wait; let me backup a little bit to the time before I attended kindergarten. When I was four or five years old, I was so nice and innocent; I’d go along to get along. My mother said I was an independent, self sufficient child – and just as sweet as could be – until the day I CHANGED! I have to be honest, as a pre-school young man I was naïve, I saw the world threw rose colored glasses. I thought life consisted of cereal, Sesame Street, Cartoons, Soap Operas, and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. My privileged, patrician upbringing insulated me from the cold hard reality of the world but, as every four or five year old knows, this elite life style has to come to an end sometime. For me I knew it was about to come to a crashing halt when my mother said the big FOUR LETTER word to me – SCHOOL!”

Kelsie laughed again and said, “Dad, “school” has six letters.”

“Well, ‘Miss I like to interrupt my father’, I couldn’t spell at the time and school sure sounded like a four letter word to me! Where was I? Oh yea. Although my mother tried to convince me school was a great opportunity for me and I would love it – I knew I didn’t want my life of leisure to come to an end.

The night before the dreaded day my mom put my clothes out on the foot of my bed: a yellow turtle neck, green pants, fruit of the looms, tube socks, and hush puppies. All my clothes, except for the tube socks, were brand new. The next day when I woke up for school I put them on; it felt like millions of little ants were crawling all over my body! After I got dressed I went downstairs to eat my Cheerios and to watch my last episode of Sesame Street. After one of the finest performances of “One of These Things Is Not Like the Other” my mom said, “Kenny it’s time to go outside to wait for the bus.” Solemnly I stood up, I scratched myself all over my body (the ants were still crawling on me), walked over to Tipper and gave him a hug goodbye. I then walked the long green mile to my bus stop – just outside my front door.”

Kelsie asked my dad, “What’s the long green mile.”

My dad responded, “When a person, who is in prison, is about to be executed they call the walk from the prison cell to the electric chair – the long green mile. Do you get the symbolism here?”

I said, “I don’t know what symbolism is but we get it now - you can continue.”

“Okay. So outside my front door, while we waited for the bus to come, my mom tried to lighten the mood; she laughed and joked about how much fun school was going to be but she also mentioned how much she was going to miss me. Then BAM! The realization of how my life was about to change hit me like a ton of bricks! But it was more than that; not only was my life about to change – my mother’s life was going to change too! I started thinking; this is the end of our quality mother/son time – no more Sesame Street, no more Electric Company, no more cartoons, no more “sands through the hour glass”, NO MORE “THESE ARE THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES”! I couldn’t do this to my mother. What would she do during the day without her favorite son to keep her company? No! I couldn’t and wouldn’t do this to my mother!

But before I could do anything - I saw it! A huge yellow school bus was barreling down Riverside Drive toward my house – it came to a complete stop right outside the front of my house. The door opened and inside I saw a scary old man with bad teeth who was preparing to take me away from my mother. My mother gave me a kiss and said, “Have a great time at school Kenny,” and she stepped back. I turned to her and screamed, ‘No! I won’t do this to you mom – YOU NEED ME!’ I ran back to save her; she was shocked by her little boy’s response. She might have thought I was scared of school but nothing could be further from the truth - I wasn’t doing this for me – I WAS DOING THIS FOR HER!

When I got back to her I wrapped my arms around her legs and said, ‘Mom, sniff, I, sniff, can’t, sniff, do, sniff, this, sniff, to, sniff, you, sniff!’ She said, ‘Kenny, you’re a big boy now and you need to go to school so you can grow up to be the greatest UPS Finance Manager in the world! You’ll only be gone for a few hours – I’ll be fine – trust me. Now, I need you to get back on the bus so you can become the man I want you to be!’ For a second - I was weak – I let my mother talk me into getting on the bus – even though I knew in my heart that’s not what she really wanted. Once I sat down in my seat I thought to myself, “What have I done?” I realized I was wrong to get on the bus – but it was too late! The driver slammed the door shut and pulled away from my house! Through the bus window I saw my mother waving goodbye to me. My face was plastered up against the window, tears trickling down my face, and then I let out a scream at the top of my lungs, ‘Mommy I don’t want to leave you!’ I cried the whole way to school!”

Kelsie said, with a smile on her face, “Dad, I thought this was when you became an untamed man! Sounds like this is when you became a big, ole wimp!”

“Kelsie, did I say I was finished? Be patient! Sometimes it takes a crisis to really change a person – and this was a crises! You’ll see the rebel come out in me before this story’s over.

When we finally arrived at the school, which was actually a Methodist Church on Sundays, we were led off the bus like convicts going to prison – the only things missing were the orange jump suits, shackles, and the chains. We were led to our class room; where we would be confined for four hours a day – five days a week – to be indoctrinated. My teacher, Mrs. Vorhees assigned us to our cell blocks, which she called tables. At my ‘table’ were four kids including me, Lisa Vertusso, John Signerelli, and Julie Puncherelli.

I didn’t talk much to my new cell mates because I was preoccupied developing the most foolproof escape plan known to man. It was a perfect, flawless plan which if implemented properly would allow me to break free from this nightmare called school! I noticed when we pulled up to the school it was surrounded by woods and those woods, if my calculations were correct, would lead to my Aunt Robbie’s house just off of Hillside Avenue. The key was waiting for the right time.

After all the kids got settled in their seats Mrs. Vorhees told us she would read us a story after she went over some of her Neo-Nazi school rules. Her rules were actually a bunch of fascist commands which included raising our hands before talking, sitting quietly, single file lines, plus many other rules intended to brainwash us into conformity and to take away our individualism and freedom! After she finished going over the rules she said, ‘Alright everyone please stand up quietly, push in your chair, line up in single file at the door; we’re going to the library for our story. As all these five year old SHEEPLE stood up, pushed in their chairs, and gave the Feuer, I mean teacher, a ‘Heil Hitler’ I saw my way out! As my class lined up I made sure I was at the end of the line; when we walked out of our classroom all the other kids made a right turn – I quietly made a left turn. Once out of the site of the teacher I ran straight for the front door of the school – to my freedom!

When I made it outside I was standing in a deep puddle I looked straight up into the sky, the rain poured down my face and I threw my hands in the air and let out a scream…”

Kelsie spoke up, “Dad that sounds like the movie we watched on TV a few weeks ago, ‘The Shawshank Redemption’.”

“Kelsie, will you let me finish my story without interrupting!? Where was I? Oh yea, when I got outside I looked over the landscape trying to decide where to make my get away. I decided my best hope for freedom was through the woods behind the school. I looked back and saw my teacher through the glass doors AND SHE SAW ME! I started running as fast as my legs could carry me. I ran through bushes, I climbed over dead trees, I ran across streams – I just ran and ran without looking back. My heart was pounding, I was huffing and puffing, my body was covered with sweat – now my body was really itching! I couldn’t run anymore – I dropped to the ground exhausted and crawled behind a wide Oak tree, trying to catch my breath. In the distance I heard some commotion, I heard some adult voices say, ‘There he is – let’s get him!’

The thought of going back to San Quintin, I mean school, scared me to death and so my adrenaline started flowing again - I got my second wind! I took off into the deepest, darkest parts of the woods. I ran as fast as my kindergarten legs would take me and for a little while I lost them again. But then I heard my teacher yelling, ‘Kenny where are you! Kenny come back to school! Kenny!’ Then I heard the blood hounds! They set free three or four blood hounds to track me down; they were hot on my trail but they couldn’t catch me…”

I had to speak up this time. I said, “Dad, there is NO WAY they sent out blood hounds after you! No way in the world! You don’t expect us to believe that do you?”

“See Kelsie, do you see what you’ve done? You’ve turned your little brother against me – he’s starting not to believe my stories just like you! I hope you’re happy with yourself. Okay Cam. I’m not saying I actually saw the blood hounds but I know I heard a dog bark so I assumed that they sent them after me. But if you choose not to believe your daddy you can scratch the blood hounds from the story - but the rest of the story is…cough, cough…true!

A short while later I heard my teacher coming after me, unfortunately for me, she was much faster than I was - she caught me a short distance away from school, she carried me back, and placed me in solitary confinement which was actually the table next to her desk. Over the next several weeks Mrs. Vorhees worked with me every day trying to reprogram me – kind of like the communists did to ex-capitalists in the Soviet Union and Communist China. She tried to break my spirit and break it she did; after she “Water Boarded” me for the 112th time I couldn’t take it any longer - I finally gave in and accepted the fact that my life of freedom – my life of Sesame Street, the Electric Company, Cartoons, and Soap Operas had come to an end and I must conform or lose my mind!

So Cameron and Kelsie – that’s the story of my first day of school. I didn’t get off to such a good start but actually this was probably the highlight of my early school years.”

My dad was smiling as he told us this. He then continued, “Kelsie, how’s that for a rebel without a cause? Now you know exactly what a wild man your dad really is!”

Kelsie smiled and said, “Uhh…sure dad…you were living on the edge! You’re a crazy man dad! Can I put on Hannah Montana back on now?”

Over the next few days my dad told me some of his other stories about school. Of course he told me about his teachers, about his friends, about his favorite classes, and about his grades. But I remembered his stories the best - like the one about...

To be continued...

Last Weekends in Review...

Here are a few pictures from the last couple of weekends...

My parents, my sister Gena, and brother Philip came in for a visit a couple of weeks ago. We had an excellent time (even with Philip).

We spent Sunday afternoon in Dahlonega. This is the place the famous quote, "There's gold in them thar hills" was uttered. There are a lot of interesting little stores and nice restaurants surrounding town square...

My dad, Kelsie, Cameron, and I played a little golf at Riverpines GC. We split up into teams - my dad and Kelsie against Cameron and me. I'll let you guess who won...I'll give you a hint...my dad will be paying Cameron's college tuition...

Sheri went back to St. Louis for a few days for work. Her parents came to help me take care of the kids (yes, it's too big of a job for me by myself). Jim and Bonnie are always a BIG help and I enjoy spending time with them. On Saturday Jim, Cameron, and I played gold at Lanier GC. It was fun - in spite of our scores...

On Saturday, Jim, Bonnie, Cameron, and I went to Dahlonega (yes, the same place as the week before). It was a lot of fun. We shopped, ate, and listened to Blue Grass Music. Every Saturday from May (I think) through November a bunch of musicians get together and have a Blue Grass Jam in Dahlonega's Town Square.


I love all kinds of music and on Saturday I found out I also like Blue Grass. Here is a little bit from my favorite Blue Grass song...Dooley. You can sing along...here are the words:

"Dooley, slippin' up the holler

Dooley, tryin' to make a dollar

Dooley, give me a swaller

And I'll pay you back someday."

They don't make music like this anymore!

Jewel was watching me as I was singing Dooley. Here she is tapping her tail to the beat...

WE ARE IN TROUBLE...

I am on stay-cation this week. It’s a stay-cation because Sheri is at a training class in San Antonio and so I’m hanging around the house taking care of the kids, running errands, and working on numerous projects (like vacuuming up the crumbs from under the couch cushions). It’s rained almost everyday this week and so I’ve spent a lot of time inside with the TV on.

Most of you who know me know I am a political junky and so as I’m working on my projects (like scrubbing the dried up, crusty toothpaste [with the little piece of hair sticking out of it] out of the toothpaste cap) I have the political and business news shows on my TV’s. I’ve been listening to shows like Bloomberg, CNBC, MSNBC, CNN, Fox News, Fox Business - sounds interesting, doesn't it?

Yes, I know most of you are thinking, “Kenny, get a life…” but I find politics and discussions about the economy very interesting. I’ve listened to dozens of conversations/interviews between politicians and anchors/talk show hosts on topics such as health care, the economy, Afghanistan, Iraq, etc., etc.

Now, granted, watching these news shows can give you a distorted view of the world because all they report is the bad news. Sometimes it’s like watching three episodes of Jerry Springer late at night – you start to think everyone’s brother is sleeping with his step-mother – which we know isn’t true...I think. But even though I know I am seeing a distorted view of this country when I watch these news shows, I have to be honest with you, our country is in trouble! Not a little bit of trouble...big trouble...trouble which will not be easy to undo...

I like to joke about a lot of things but I am not joking about this. I am not the type of person who cries wolf (except when I'm sick) or a Chicken Little who claims the sky is falling (except when I think I'm getting sick) - but make not mistake about it - the decisions our federal government is making, in the name of helping us, are bankrupting our country. Our country is in serious trouble! If we continue following the path of change we are currently on - our children will grow up in a changed country...a country which will be vastly different from the country you and I have grown up in. We are on a direct path to becoming a financial basket case - and the Executive Branch of the Federal Government knows it and they don't care! Yes, you heard (read) me correctly - they know their actions will bankrupt our country but they DON'T CARE!

I will explain...in painful detail...exactly what I'm referring to...in my next post...unless I win my tennis match tomorrow against Stevie Wonder and Ironside...

Composure...

Composure: Webster's Dictionary defines Composure as, "calmness or repose especially in frame of mind or in bearing or appearance." My definition of composure is, "calmness and self control in the face of adversity." Keep this in mind...I'll come back to it later.

The way ALTA (Atalanta Lawn & Tennis Association) is set-up is based on sub-divisions. Each sub-division is a team (my team is Gran Forest), each team plays five games (matches) every Saturday, sub-divisions play against other subdivisions. This Saturday my team, Gran Forest, was at home and played against Fieldstone sub-division. The first matches began at 9:00am and the last match finished around 2:00pm.

Saturday mornings are more than just sitting around watching tennis. The home team supplies food and drink for all the players and the fans and so it's more like a big party or picnic with tennis matches going on in the background.

Here is a picture of some of the fans hanging out watching two of the early matches.

Okay, back to composure. On the last post I mentioned I finally won a match against a wily 72 year old veteran who had two leg braces, one arm brace, and glaucoma (or was it cataracts?). Well, this week Steve (my teammate) and I played against two experienced tennis players. One guy was in his thirties, he was very good. The other guy was about 66 years old, he had one leg brace, he walked with a serious limp, and I'm pretty sure he had pace maker. I'm getting to composure...

These older experienced guys are not nimble on their feet but they can place the ball with unbelievable precision. This veteran could place the ball down the middle, he could poke it down the side line or back line, he could lob it over our heads, he could dink it just over the net. He made us run around like a couple of chickens with their heads cut off.

Now don't take this wrong, this man was a very nice guy and I don't think I'm better than him BUT, BUT, BUT I don't think my expectations are too high when I think I should whoop him at tennis!!!! It kills me that I lost to a man who couldn't bend down to pick up a tennis ball at his feet because of arthritis!!!! So, why do I mention composure? BECAUSE IF IT WASN'T FOR MY COMPOSURE I WOULD HAVE SCREAMED AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS, "I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M LOSING TO A MAN WHO RIDES AROUND ON A SCOOTER WHILE HE'S SHOPPING AT THE GROCERY STORE - AHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Okay, I feel better...now I can go back to pretending like I have composure... :)

Here's a video I took while Cam, Kelsie, and Cam's friend went to the driving range last week. It was pouring out but there was nothing else to do and so we hit some golf balls and got soaked.